Cyber Sex Addiction
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Aerobic exercise can help keep feelings of depression, which often fuel addiction, away. And they have a lot of choices. His quest for sexual excitement makes work and family seem dull by comparison. And it is good for us to have our own things.
I began writing everything down, to help make sense of it, first for myself, then for others. In my practice, many young male patients who entered therapy to address erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation during intercourse are experiencing those issues because of their pornography habits. But lets take five seconds to consider if this could better be described as an illness.
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Addicted to Phone Chatlines? Here’s How to Get Help - If you must be online, try to do only essential activities such as email for work. It can help to strengthen the connections you have in real life.
Dear Wendy is a relationship advice blog. You can read about me , peruse the archives and read popular posts. You can also follow along on and. My boyfriend and I dated two years before moving in together. Things are going great except for his addiction to singles chat sites. This is not great. Your boyfriend rushes you through sex? He refuses to go anywhere with you? You both go without sleep every night? You check his internet history all the time? He uses singles chat sites to relieve stress? This is beyond saving. A healthy relationship has trust, companionship, respect, love, and intimacy. Face it: this relationship is over. MOA, LW, and give that loser boyfriend of yours a legitimate reason to cruise the singles sites. I have to agree with Wendy here. Question though… was he like this before you moved in with him? After I got married, I moved in with my now husband and there were all sorts of stuff that I found out. For example, he is an avid professional wrestling fan. So he would tivo it when we went out and watched it later. We dated for years and I had no idea. No matter what, there are things you can only know about someone once you live together. Unfortunately, the LW has a much creepier thing going on. Why do we cling to the mere whisper of a relationship, when the truth is screaming and spitting in our faces?! These women with so little respect for themselves can be maddening! There is a difference between legitimate addiction and choice made by free and unfettered will. Why would you want to stay in a situation where you acknowledge that is happening? I understand that it will be hard to move on from a lengthy relationship, and physically move out, but this is truly ridiculous. You are sad, stressed, and feeling down on yourself. What the hell happened to this LW in the past to make her think that this is a relationship worth being in?! LW — This relationship is NOT healthy. The reaction you need to be exhibiting is that of swift, complete, utter dumping. Then, get yourself to a therapist. Please, let someone help you redefine what constitutes a healthy relationship. And it is good for us to have our own things. And what I really appreciate about him is even though I know raid nights are Monday and Thursday, he always says that if something good is going in real life, it will take precedence. That sounds just… terrible. Besides the fact that what he is doing can be seen as cheating would be to me anyway , it is SO unhealthy as a human being to not want to leave the house because of any sort of online addiction. You need to stop this insanity. This guy is an asshole. And you deserve so much more. I wish I could tell this guy off for you. So, think about all of our voices there with you when you do it. LW, where do you want to be a year, 5 years, 10 years from now? Just think of how much better your life will be 6 months from now after dumping him TODAY. In order for a relationship to work out in the long term, you need to have similar values and want the same things. It seems like you value trust, honesty and committment, and clearly he does not. MOA and do it fast. If you still care about him I would leave a therapists number as you walk out the door. There is no possible way that the good things in this relationship could outweigh all the bad ones. He prefers it to having sex with you, sleeping in bed with you, and going out with you. What are you doing to yourself? Can you beat her? Log in to register your own V-Stim Vibrator now and find out! So you live with this dude. He has sex with you, but on his terms, where he rushes you so he can get back to his addiction. Do you do things around the apartment? Have you been buying groceries? Paying part of the rent? He is using you, as his sex toy, his maid, his meal ticket, while he keeps shopping for a girlfriend. Chatting on a singles chat site though, especially when paired with an account to pair you up with other available singles, is a whole different ball game, and horribly offensive to your relationship. The fact that the guy uses you for physical sex and THEN goes for emotional interaction on these websites with other people is WRONG. LW, please MOA and DTMFA! Can you see how not normal it is from that perspective. If she has a solid plan and place to go when she tells him that it is over, it will make is so much easier to follow through! I just finished working on a legal case where a man spent his day surfing the web looking at porn some of it very hard core instead of working. He taught fifth-grade music. Things were not going well at home and he needed to relieve some stress. He lost his job, his teaching credential, his future, his wife and his daughters. Yeah, no stress there. In fact, mostly I find it hilarious. I could never use it as a turn-on. But the sheer volume of the stuff was overwhelming. I wonder when he had time to teach. I mean, if he was in an office and watching hard-core porn, how is that hurting the kids? Save from taking his attention away from lesson plans and such. There is also the possibility of liability if say, a staff member or parent had walked in and seen it. His employer could have been sued for all kinds of things. This is why most employers have rules about this sort of thing. If you must do it, do it at home. What were those 20-30 11-year-olds doing during that time? Thankfully, both of my daughters have the opportunity to be in a music class at their schools. And honestly, I have a special place in my heart for my elementary school music teacher. She is such a wonderful lady. I just hope the LW realizes it and truly takes everything to hart. At least take everything said here and really think about it. One lie, broken promise or neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding. Two may involve a serious mistake. Three lies says your dealing with a liar and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Your boyfriend is being constantly deceitful and sneaky with his computer use. I think that tells you everything you need to know. But is he lying to her? It kind of reminds me of hoarders. People who live with hoarders just have to deal with it or leave. Like, literally, clinincally, addicted. Which raises several important questions. Has he always been addicted to these sites or has it gotten worse recently? Two years is a lot of time. But lets take five seconds to consider if this could better be described as an illness. Two years in, you consider staying through an illness. He needs to get to therapy pronto and a psychiatrist who specializes in internet addictiosn. Hence going to a doctor and not taking anything I have to say about medicine as anything other than rampant speculation. If he refuses to see it as a problem or address it, or go get help, then again, MOA. Also, you should ask yourself if this is a phase. I know that sounds like a cop out. But I have a highly addictive personality and I get literally , not a figure of speech obsessed with things for bursts of time and they are all encompassing for me. Only if you live with me will you know. However, given the description, he may need help that would actually help him not do this anymore. You clearly love the guy. You can support him and his treatment in return for his love, appreciation, commitment to you , your relationship and his health and still be able to look at yourself in the mirror. But you should at least ask yourself if any of what I have said applies before plopping him on the curb. I tend to think if this is the case, the LW leaving might be the wake up call he needs. If he were addicted to online gambling… she could stick it out a little longer and try to help him get help. But, he is addicted to something chatting with single ladies! The former is going to make you overly-defensive. But if he is not receptive of the latter, and he understands that its a dealbreaker and he still just argues and defends? But I think it might mean redefining what you mean by disrepecting her. We would agree that swearing at someone not in jest is a sign of disrescpect. I am also not that familiar with addiction, but I understand that the object of the addiction is not actually that important — an alcoholic, a compulsive-gambler, a real shopolic, pornography — its all the same. And none of it has anything to do with respect they have for their loved ones; its about control, self-soothing, and brain chemicals. If it a true addiction, I believe that dichotomy would carry over into his object — assumingly lewd chatting online. I am not excusing his behavior, or at least, not going forward. And perhaps I am over medicalizing it. If he needs help he will have to decide that he needs help and then act on that decision. She could spend two more years trying to fix him and then end the relationship feeling even worse than she does now or should could move on, spend time healing then meet someone else who is much better and be far happier in another two years. But, yes, he has to want it at some point early on in the process. Where does personality accountability stop and mindless compulsion begin? I understand that some behavioural addictions alter brain chemistry but even if it that is the case, is there no personal accountability in getting to the stage of addiction? The point before choice turned into compulsion? Our natural inclination as humans, I would hope, is to help and treat but I think some times we end up facilitating and fostering by coddling someone who should have been held to a better standard to begin with. I have known addicts in my life — both of substance and behavioural afflictions — and have seen first hand that they can only achieve a balanced life when they choose one. If this LW had had enough and was like, hells no, she would have left him already. I think I would have. Everyone was quick to tell her that she effectively had no choice but to leave him, if she respected herself. I wanted to put it out there that, depending on what is really going on, she does have a choice. Whenever we support someone going through a hard time, it needs to come from our own place of strength. LW is just too beaten down by this relationship and too close to the situation, in my opinion. I realize that people with addictions might not be ready or want to realize that they have addictions and perhaps need loving people in their life. That is called co-dependency. At some point, you have to own up to your actions and try to get help, which he is obviously not ready to do. Some addicts reach that point over and over again only to keep slipping and it is exhausting and painful to be the loved one watching it. In the end only you can decide if your relationship is worth all the pain he has already put you through, and all the pain he will continue to put you through in the future. If he were online playing video games all the time, or even watching a moderate amount of non-interactive porn, but he was being honest and open with you about it, and responded to you maturely if and when you voiced concerns, that would be a whole other ball of wax. Do you see the difference? Most would consider this unhealthy and obsessive behavior at best, and many would consider it cheating as well. So he is engaging in a behavior that is disrespectful to your relationship boundaries. No couple is perfect and everyone has disagreements, but a good partner RESPONDS actively when their significant other voices a concern. They do not refuse to even compromise. So can you keep having this same fight forever? He closes the browser when you approach, you snoop his computer. Perhaps less serious than the other issues, but again, he is entirely unresponsive to the fact that his behavior is depressing you and causing you to literally lose sleep. As stand alone issues, you could maybe work on these or try and get to the bottom of them. You have already communicated substantially, and he has done nothing to compromise or improve the relationship. What does that tell you about how much he cares about your relationship? Bottom line- LW, you are with a guy that disrespects you, takes you for granted, and wipes his ass with your happiness. Your choices are limited but clear. Accept his behavior and the consequences to you or move on. What he does is damaging your self-esteem, and even though he knows that kudos to you for telling him , he refuses to stop doing it. That thing that annoys you when he does it — you do it to him. It will drive him crazy!!!! I agree with everyone else here — DTMFA. Your BF is one part of the problem but your putting up with it is the other part. As in most cases, we are our own worst enemies when it comes to our own happiness. Dang, as a person who definitely spent time on dating sites in her single days, it infuriates me to think that there are people mascarading as single. Yup, he had a girlfriend. But the dude was so messed up, i finally had to block him! So I recommend leaving him. But I wanted to add something, based on personal experience. I used to live with a porn addict he was more like an addiction addict, actually , and when our relationship was about to collapse because of it no sex, he would lock himself in the bathroom with his computer first thing every morning, etc and I said I wanted out he suddenly stopped. BUT he turned to alcohol. And then I started trying to remember and I realized that even though the porn thing was the longest period, I had seen him compulsively doing ketamine, then cocaine, then food, then making new friends obsessively, then watching porn, then drinking. Drinking made him violent and annoying so I showed him Diablo II and HE BECAME ADDICTED TO IT. Then the second time he disappeared in the middle of a conversation and I found him playing when I looked around the house for him I left. Actually I know what I was thinking. He was absolutely hot and loved going dancing with me. Really, LW, I hope you leave. Take care of yourself. A chatroom junkie to boot. He enjoys chatting with anonymous people. So he can flirt with them, and more than likely, engage in cybersexual relations with them. You have aired your concerns and are now becoming his psuedo-jailer. Walk the fuck away. Either kick him out, or move yourself out. Grow a backbone and stop being a doormat. A few places are near 40 in town, which is really weird since it was -10 two days ago. Thank goodness I have multiples plus a small snow blower! Plus, it would save me about 60 minutes every snowfall in shoveling the driveway. Us Sourdoughs just shrug it off and consider it part and parcel of living here. But no matter what the reason, she definitely needs to dump his ass and move on because he clearly does not value her as much as she values him. On that note, I am starting to see two comment threads here instead of one after quite a few glasses of wine. Yep, it was THAT kind of night at work last night. I think I should sleep before I have to go back at 11 pm tonight…ugh. Arguing repeatedly about a behavior your boyfriend is unwilling and maybe unable to change, behavior that is starting to negatively impact your emotional and physical health. Why in the world do you want to stay in this depressing, soul crushing, unhealthy situation? You deserve better treatment, a better living situation, a better partner, better health. LW, you really have two choices. My parents would get all mad at me for tying up the phone line back in the awesome days of dial-up!
Sex addiction: Five times a day 'wasn't enough' - BBC News
Ask household members to help you curb your time online by discouraging you from using the internet. While he might not be meeting with jesus now, that can change down the road. A reader, anonymous, writes 29 March 2010 : This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for your replies and thanks for being understanding. Was it just my marriage problems, or was there something deeper causing me to behave that way. Record how you feel about being online all the time. If it a true addiction, I believe that dichotomy would carry over into his object — assumingly lewd chatting online.
